my painting, a "copy" of Paul Klee's SenecioYesterday a man called my office. I’d say he was in his 20s and is brother to an incoming freshman woman who will attend MSU this fall. Her academic orientation is next week, when she will enroll for classes (that begin in 2 weeks).
He was angry and rude. For fifteen minutes he ranted about how late his sister’s orientation is and how all the classes will be filled. I reassured him that we have been doing this for years, that we reserve seats for students such as his sister, etc., but he kept on ranting and spewing his diatribe that we would “screw up” his sister’s first year in college. Nothing I said could appease him. He had no respect for me as a person or a professional. At the end of the call, I fed back to him my concern that he is undermining his sister’s chances for trusting her adviser. He denied this.
For the rest of the day, I stewed about it. It was painful to think about, but I kept it there, ready to share it with our department secretary or my husband.
This morning, in meditation, I tried letting it go. I have a helpful meditation taught me by a friend where I visualize my green heart chakra creating an opening from my head down through my toes for the Divine Intelligence Formerly Known as God (Rob Brezsny’s title) to flow like a river. Then I place all my worries or uglies in the river, letting them flow to the earth. Then the earth transforms them, filters them, and sends back energy into my 7 chakras, and I do a balancing meditation.
But it wouldn’t work this morning. I didn’t want to let that man’s rude behavior go.
So I followed Krishnamurti’s advice and acknowledged that I AM the emotion I was feeling. What was it? What was I feeling?
“He can’t do that to me! He can’t talk to me like that!”
As soon as I said those words in my head, recognized them, I realized:
He CAN do that. He gets to do what he wants. He is free.
And “whooooosh” it slipped away.
By resisting the man’s behavior, I kept it inside ME. Is there any possible way that could be good?
A smart person said, “when someone throws you a ball, you don’t have to catch it.”
It’s my response that matters. I don’t have to receive it. I don’t have to “accept” it in the sense of approval. I CAN let it go right through me, without “catching” it, without letting his mean spirit stay in me.
Freedom.
Amedeo M0digliani's Jeanne Hébuterne with Yellow Sweater, 1918–1919 (in the Guggenheim)
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