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self discipline & success

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Luckily I had my camera with me walking to a meeting across campus on one of the coldest days a couple years ago. His nose and ears were as red as his shorts. I gave him a hat to warm his ears (in post processing, not for real, silly). He gets me thinking about self discipline, something I'm sure I could have developed if I'd had the willpower, ha. I have it in me in small spoonfuls. You know, one month on the treadmill, one month off.

Most of the super disciplined people I've met made me feel bad about myself. Well I guess they didn't make me feel bad, I just felt bad. I felt like they saw me as a slacker, and I didn't feel confident in slackerhood. You're a better person if you paint the peeling porch, take out the trash rather than let it overflow for two days, never eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, finish reading that book after several months, and visit all your blog friends regularly. (Oh, but some people think sitting on your computer visiting blog friends is slacking.)

Not to be a braggadocio, but I was voted Most Likely to Succeed in my high school graduating class. I know it sounds impressive. But actually, it's embarrassing, considering my high school career and my rather normal life now, and if you knew me then you might wonder about it like I do. I was an average B student, after four of my siblings before me were either valedictorian or salutatorian. Maybe if I'd actually studied I might have done all right, I mean high school isn't that hard. I was not involved in any student organizations, though I was a terrible class treasurer sophomore year who didn't do a single thing if I recall. It was risky electing me to that job, as you'll see below.

My co-recipient of the Most Likely to Succeed award was Frank Fitzgerald. Here we are in the yearbook photo. Someone thought it would be cute to photograph us sneaking money out of the cafeteria's cash register. See what I mean about risky?



Now Frank was a worthy recipient and a high achiever who didn't make me feel bad. A straight A student, he went on to be elected to the Michigan House of Representatives. Oh, I found him in wiki on his grandfather's page - his namesake Frank D. Fitzgerald who was Michigan's governor from 1935-36. Guess what, while he was Governor the state budget was balanced!

In our small town, Frank and I lived a few blocks apart, on presidential streets - I lived first on Harrison, then Lincoln, and Frank lived in a big red brick house on Jefferson (across the street from Loring!). Like Thomas Jefferson, Frank was a redhead. If he hadn't died suddenly at LaGuardia Airport in Queens, NY, on a business trip December 9, 2004, maybe Frank would have gone on to run for governor some day, following his grandfather's path. I heard an owl thrum the morning I read about his sudden death in the paper, leaving his wife Ruth and two kids. I think he was saying good-bye. Before our spree as criminal partners robbing the till, we started out as lil chefs side by side in kindergarten making applesauce and butter at Holbrook Elementary and went through every grade together until graduation.

I was never ambitious like Frank. No career goals. I was, and am, a starer out of windows. Why was I voted Most Likely to Succeed alongside the class valedictorian and future public servant? Was it because I was a non-rebellious PK (preacher's kid)?

I'm still an average person in the echelon of success, but I have a supremely comfortable, healthy and happy life.

Of course the question is, what is success and how is it measured?

Vincent van Gogh, also a PK, was a miserable failure in relationships with women and in various careers before he decided to create beauty. Famously, he sold just one painting to someone other than his dear brother Théo, who supported him. When I stood and turned slowly in the middle of the van Gogh gallery in the Orsay, surveying the bright palette and overwhelmed with blue, I wept. I bet no one voted him Most Likely to Succeed.

I think when you join discipline with passion, the world benefits - though when you're passionate the discipline doesn't really come hard. But self-control for its own sake, about the "shoulds" someone somewhere has written in the sky, just makes me feel like a slacker, 'cause I will always stare out of windows, whether or not the trash needs emptying or the book I've been reading for a year still has 88 pages to go.
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the power of our rhetoric

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1

A blogger wrote what you
couldn't say -
do you know how it feels
to be empty
that way?

2
A photo at flickr shines light
on brown water
a silhouette of men in a boat -
fishing lines crisscross the
knob of the sun
do you know what it means
to be full
in that fun?

3
Across campus a stranger
talks venom and danger
about things
she does not know
and you - are you swallowed
by telephone and email
inside the hollow of her blow?

4
Around the world a friend
sends a photo
a fuchsia flower bent low
like a woman in veil
do you feel what she feels -
her essence inside
being fully
regaled?


Together we enter
the questions and answers
on our bridge
over ocean and reef -
our words art and photographs
publish the meanings
in the ongoing book of our life.



*- epigraph quote from Rumi's poem A Voice Through the Door

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Aşure - Noah's pudding

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Pronounced AH-shoo-REH.

In İstanbul in the late eighties when Don was selling kilims and copper to the U.S. market hot for Turkish stuff, and we four lived in a "marble palace" apartment (Turkish homes are sparkly with chandeliers, marble floors and countertops; we broke a few milk bottles on that unforgiving marble), on a certain special day two or three neighbors brought a dish of Noah's pudding to us. Aşure günü (say the ü with your lips rounded and a u just behind your teeth) is the holiday celebrated in Turkey on the 10th day of the Islamic lunar month of Muharrem, this year December 27. Noah's is one of the biblical stories shared by Christians, Jews and Muslims. In the Qur'an, Noah is a prophet.

The story goes that when Noah's ark landed on Mt. Ararat (in Turkey), after so much time bobbing on water with no land in sight, the inhabitants celebrated by making a pudding out of the remnants of what lay in the hold: nuts, dried fruits and grains.



The apartment neighbors who brought our bowls of Noah's pudding took a bowl of it to every neighbor in the building. Tradition says that your "neighbors" are inhabitants in forty houses to your East, West, North and South. I imagine "everyone in the building" is the adaptation for modern times. When we explained this tradition to Inge and Lar when we served them some aşure for dessert Saturday (the first time I made it), Inge (of the German steel trap mind) asked, "you mean everyone took some to everyone else? Doesn't that sort of cancel the whole thing out?" Well since we weren't taking aşure to anyone, I never thought about it.

The aşure holiday is about keeping up good relations with neighbors no matter what their religion or beliefs might be. It is common Turkish practice to make big cauldrons of aşure to distribute to the poor. Everything goes into the pot, and what is in the pot goes to everyone.



Here, Neighbor, I am sharing a bowl of aşure with you. It's nice for breakfast. If you make it, share with your neighbors and tell them you appreciate them. You can do that with fruitcake too, which is sort of the same idea, but I like this better. No, that is pudding it too mildly. I would rather toss a fruitcake than eat it. I've co-opted aşure and sharing with neighbors as a new Christmas tradition at our house. Hey, Santa Claus started in Turkey too, and look how far he got!








Aşure - Noah's pudding


2 cups instant barley, it will be much more when cooked
1 cup canned white Northern beans, washed and drained
1 cup canned chickpeas, washed and drained
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
10 cups water
10 dry apricots, soaked in water overnight, cut in pieces
10 dry figs, cut in pieces
1/2 cup raisins

Garnish:
1/4 cup walnuts, crumbled, slivered almonds, currants, pine nuts, pomegranate seeds

Cook barley according to directions on package. (If using non-instant barley, get it to boil on high heat. Then as soon as it boils, turn it down to medium-low heat and cook for about half an hour.) Set aside 1-2 cups of cooked barley and put into a food processor or blender. To the barley in the pot add the beans, chickpeas, vanilla, apricots, raisins, figs, sugar and 6 cups of hot water. Simmer for about 45 minutes on medium to medium-low heat. Stir occasionally. Process 1-2 cups cooked barley that you set aside in a food processor or blender, mixing water if needed to make it pudding-ish. Add this to the pot to thicken it. Cook a couple more minutes, then pour into a large service bowl and let cool.

Keep Noah's Pudding refrigerated. When serving, garnish with crumbled walnuts, roasted slivered almonds, currants, pine nuts and pomegranate seeds. The garnish is the best part, and you might think of different ones.-
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perfectly imperfect Christmas

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I so loved reading the stories of how you named your blogs. Thank you for telling them, I learned some fun and important things about you. Also, some of you found each other across the planet through this worm hole. I love our community. Every connection shows that we are One human organ.

It snowed tonight, and after a warm November, now we move into a season of winter, which carries Christmas in a big festive mixed bag. In the bag are hugs, candlelight and warm fires. Squeezed in among those are intolerable front yard inflatable Santas and loop after loop of Christmas·carol·muzak. And because the bag is lined with a big fat assumption of festivity, it is also loaded with sorrow and pain - remembered or current. We ache in contrast to the glitter, and that twists the knife. Maybe a white feather boa snakily imitating snow on top of the piano brings a smile and eases the ache. But there is no automatic improvement to our lives just because we are surrounded by Christmas gloss and powder. It reminds me of the Nativity, a story of hope for deliverance born inside political unrest, fear, temporary homelessness and birthing pains.

Nothing as heavy as all that here today, but in a bit of sad irony we are able to put up a real, fresh Christmas tree this year.

For me it is a sweet moment in commerce when Home Depot and the farmer down the road set up a variety of evergreen trees on their corners for us Christmas lovers to paw over, tip up, spin, examine and eliminate until we find the One that sings carols in our ears. "Those sticking-up boughs will ease down when they get in our warm family room" we say. Fresh trees are not boxed or plasticked; they are irregular, pokey, sappy and messy. But we pile into our cars and trucks in the coldest weather and flock to those tree lots to pick the One - and welcome it with love into our home. Oh that reminds me of a couple we knew in Pasadena who alternated between flocked and unflocked trees each year. She liked flocked, he liked unflocked. Or was it the other way around? Flocked means the boughs are sprayed with fake snow. And I also remember how strange it was to live in a warm climate at Christmas, where poinsettias were outdoor landscaping plants.

IMHO the best tree for decorating with ornaments is a Frasier Fir. The needles are short and firm, letting ornaments actually hang between branches, and not just lie on top of the needles, yuck. (oh dear, I am a tree snob.) But the main reason they are perfect is that the branches are random and skew-jee. You can even nestle ornaments deep inside, on a bough right next to the trunk, so there are surprises. If a Christmas tree looks like a dense triangle with no dark recesses of mystery between boughs, it depresses me.













Not that I don't have a supreme holiday memory of spending hours folding each page of a Reader's Digest so that the upper corner folded down into a long ruler-straight angle, then fanned out in rotundity. Spray with canned snow (in this photo I found* it's sprayed gold, nice) - et voila! a 3-D triangular flocked Christmas tree. She would have liked it. Or was it he? I should mention that I nearly missed Christmas at age 7 when I leapt up to retrieve the canned snow and ran headlong into the French door standing open; stars and stripes later I gaped at my forehead's goose egg from a handheld mirror in my parents' bed. Could thith be from whenth my dithtathte for triangular Chrithmath treeth cometh?**

So yes, except for magazeeny trees, there must be perfectly imperfect gaps and caves to go spelunking in, with an overall symmetry when you blur your eyes.

And there has to be the smell of evergreen. Slightly astringent, and warmly cool. A pleasant tingle in the eyes and nose. Firs have it.

Always, with our children, we magnified the event of picking out the tree together. It was important for them to believe they were part of the decision, even though now looking back I see that Don and I, ok . . . I . . . had last say.

But Christmas before last when Peter and Don carried in the bare Frasier from the truck, within minutes of my stringing white lights, Peter was catapulted way beyond a cool tingle into a sneezing fit, and within an hour we realized his allergies had developed a hatred for our tree! The guilty tree was quarantined out on the deck, where it ended up looking pretty great with white lights sparkling in snow in the coming weeks.

So last year for dear Peter's sake we got an artificial tree with as many random gappy branches as we could find (I think it's a Martha Stewart one) and decorated it for the family room. When you turned out all the lights except the tree, you couldn't tell it was artificial. Except for the lack of fragrance, and well also being too symmetrical.



This year, and here's the sad irony, neither Lesley & Brian nor Peter will be home for Christmas, so we can get a fresh tree again. Even Don's parents are traveling to Colorado, so we won't see them either. I am not a woman addicted to holidays or believe that families must be present on them. We love each other every day, absent or together, birthday or no birthday, anniversary or not, Valentine's Day or the other 364. But when my nostrils fill with evergreen, and a sharp needle pokes into my fingernail's cuticle when I hang Peter and Lesley's paper stars they made one Christmas twenty years ago when we lived far away in İstanbul, I will feel the sting - while I inhale, ahhhh.

*I found the image of the Reader's Digest tree, along with instructions, here.
** Translation for non-native English speakers. These lispy wordplays can be a royal pain to you: Could this be from whence my distaste for triangular Christmas trees cometh?



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How I Named My Blog Day

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I haven't used the handheld in a while, so now with its dead battery it looks lifeless and cold.

It feels like years but has really only been 2 1/2 weeks since I woke up in a berserk middle-of-the-night frenzy and offered a reward - I mean award - to my favorite post for How I Named My Blog day, and then in the rational light of day withdrew the award, because I don't like "winners and losers" or awards of any kind! In spite of being browbeaten with exclamation points, several friends nicely agreed to post their blog naming story today, and you can find their links below. It's almost December 1, and soon I'll be trotting off to see if they remembered, and read them. Who knows, there may be others joining this grand event who aren't on the list!

Here's mine.

synch-ro-ni-zing

Why "synch-ro-ni-zing" and is it the same as "synchronicity"?

Thank you for asking. Oh, wait, I asked.

When I began blogging almost four years ago in January 2006, I had just gotten a new Dell laptop as my primary work computer, with a port for easy connections, and a cute little handheld electronic planner - yes the one in the photo above. It used to be so vibrant and alive! With friends and colleagues I felt both urbane and sheepish whipping it out to see if I was free on a certain date. But it really was handy. At the end of the work day, I inserted the handheld into its stand, and a box popped up on my monitor screen that said "synchronizing" - and the information was exchanged.



Starting my blog at that time, I liked how the concept was like writing poetry: linking things that might not seem alike at first view. So, synch-ro-ni-zing is synchronized with synchronizing. Cool.

The only blogger I knew then was my sister, Ginnie. Hers is called In Soul where she shows her comings and goings and the soulfulness within them. I don't think she's explaining hers today, because she's too busy packing up and moving to Amsterdam this week, a supremely soulful event for her. I had not considered starting a blog myself.

Until one white winter day I took Don's camera outside and suddenly thought how fun it would be to publish a photograph of our Adirondack chairs in the snow.

TO THE CREW BEHIND THE CURTAIN:
Oh dear! I just saw that all the comments at my old posts are GONE! I wonder how far back they've disappeared?
I went to Blogger because Ginnie used it and taught me a lot, and I've been with them ever since, but wow does my blog look different today than it did then. I think I've gone through at least two Minima templates with a couple of different color schemes before settling on this simple white room.
TO THE CREW again:
For over a week now I haven't been able to edit posts here st synch-ro-ni-zing; I still can't delete that duplicate Thanksgiving post. I've told your superiors about this! Hey, I can call my dear friends Larry Page's parents who live next door practically. Who are they, you ask? You don't know the founder of Google's parents?
But for the most part, Blogger has been super easy and offers flexibility and helpful tools. Ginnie taught me to create a non-public "test blog" that looks identical to this one, where I write drafts, upload photos, tweak, pinch and squeeze before copying and pasting the HTML into a synch-ro-ni-zing post. Even though I can't edit synch-ro-ni-zing posts right now, I can still edit posts at my test blog, thankfully.

To synchronize means to bring things into the same moment, like when you synchronize watches. Synchronicity is slightly different - though from the same root -

(dictionary.com says: 1615–25; Gk synchronízein to be contemporary with, equiv. to sýnchron(os))
- and has a deeper meaning in the "acausal coincidence of occurances," a la Carl Jung. The link in his name explains the story when "synchronicity" began, about a patient at an impasse in treatment who dreamt of a golden scarab, then during their session the next day a rare golden scarab knocked against Dr. Jung's window screen. You can read more there on what he did with the coincidence. I love it when other bloggers post similar topics the same day (like today! I MADE synchronicity happen; I synchronized synchronicity), or comment that they just had an experience related to mine. That used to happen a lot with Letty at freefalling in Australia, as if we were freefalling through a worm hole from opposite sides of the planet toward each other. I like feeling connected with Letty and other friends around the world like that, but I'd need Dr. Jung to explain what it means.

synch-ro-ni-zing's topics are all over the place, but when I sit down to a new post, I bring a couple of things together in a moment. I think I added the hyphens to give a little hint that it isn't the same as synchronicity, but as I said, I like it when synchronicity happens too.
Here are the other How I Named My Blog participants who so agreeably agreed to tell their story, in the order they signed on. What will we find? Freefalling worm holes? I get inspired every day by other bloggers. Thanks to you all!


soeurs du jour
(Margie & Kath - are they really soeurs?)

The Cul-de-sac Chronicles
(Bella Rum - does she live on one?)

Bug's Eye View
(Dana - is she extra short?)

The Marmelade Gypsy
(Jeanie - is that all she eats?)

Amuse Me
(M - is her life sadly lacking entertainment?)

What I Really Mean
(Carolyn - is she often misunderstood?)

Beetle's humour
(Babs - no mystery, she is funny)

CottageGirl
(CG - on a lake?)

Icono-Curmudgeon-Clast - Loring Wirbel's Rants
(Loring - did he make up that word?)

Turning Iwatean
(Kanmuri - what is an Iwat?)

Peter's Paris
(Peter - really, I thought it was mine?)

Split in Two
(Judy - which one is blogging?)

Annieland
(Annie - is that a village, a metropolis or a country?)

An Explorer's View of Life
(Barry - like Lewis & Clark?)

where there are no chickadees
(Purest Green - oh that's sad!)

On the edge of the chair of literature
(Gayle - mmm, read to me)

Bear Swamp Reflections
(Susan - Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!)

Picturing the Year
(Oliag - what does a year look like?)

bluebirds living in the meadow
(Jean - oh I could have named mine that too!)

Imagine
(Kenju - ok!)

LIVING IN THE EASTERN WOODLANDS
(Linda - is there a house?)

future of my past
(Anna MR - is she playing with my mind?)

The Task at Hand
(Linda - she is clever if this is about varnishing boats!)

LIFE IN THE SECOND HALF
(Nancy - is this Judy's other half?)

Going Out on a Limb
(Trudi - to blog, or not to blog?)

be yourself . . . everyone else is taken
(Beth - is she talking to herself?)

Pink Graffiti
(Lesley - teehee, that's her in the pink plaid pajamas
Thanksgiving weekend, synchronizing with a chicken)



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Happy Thanksgiving

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NOTE: Blogger is having trouble, and I wanted to come back and enable comments at this post, but editing posts is not working for the moment. So I am posting this entire post again. I'll delete the other one (with comments disabled, which I later thought better of) when Blogger fixes this problem.
Harika! On December 9, 2009, at last I am able to edit posts. Duplicate deleted.


All the days gather forward
to this.

We survived another year.

We were held close.
We lost, we gained.

What winds and storms battered
and tattered and made us turn our heads,
- and oh - see something new?

There was good reading - those essays and short stories!
Movies moved and disturbed us.

There were visits and visitations.
Good-byes,
setbacks, illness and pain.
Jobs lost.
There were shocking funerals!
There was emptiness, disappointment and longing.
Frustration, loneliness, confusion and fear.

And there were weddings and engagements!
Births and hatchings and
new friends!
Surprising raises and sales of houses.

As things got worse all around,
writers turned words to the heart,
artists applied paint and clay outward to a cause of love,
musicians supported the hungry and desperate,
playing tim-tim-tim-tee-tim.

Friends and strangers alike
paid more attention and helped more.
People paused longer in the hall at the office to talk.
Strangers passed
cash forward in the checkout line at the store.

I feel all this
in my
heart
mind
and soul
in health, compassion,
deeper sadness and broader joy.

All the days gather forward
to this
Gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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in appreciation of men

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Dissing men is popular, fashionable, humorous and politically correct. It has been so these past four or five decades since women's lib in the sixties. White men. Black men. Rich white men. Rich white male politicians. Rich white radiodiots (say it: ray-dee-yoh-dee-yachts = rightwing radical ranters). Cock-a-doodle-doos.
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Put all that aside for a bit, please.



Most of my blog friends are women. If you get into the techno-blogs and political blogs, and other categories, you’ll see more men. But in the genre of Here is My Life and You’re Welcome to It – it’s a lot of us Hens. I like that the men we hang out with here are cool about that.





So here is a list of random things I appreciate about men. A feminatzi could have a heyday with me. That’s ok. This is not a PC list. It's not exhaustive - I keep thinking of more. I'll add them to comments and you can too. I'm not saying women can't do some of the things I list. It’s just one hen's point of view. Argue all you want. You should.





  • In the 34 years I have known my husband, he has never walked through a door ahead of me.
  • When I needed my car's headlight replaced, it wasn’t me who did it. And it wasn’t a woman.
  • Since Blogland, the men I’ve met here have been men who like women, are not threatened by women's strength and intelligence, and they encourage our discoveries, expression and power.
  • Aside from some exceptional women (Queen Vishpla, biblical Deborah, the Amazons, Thyra Queen of Denmark, Joan of Arc, other warrior women who fought disguised as men, then in the 20th century in gradually increasing numbers and acceptance like the 12,000 women who fought in the Israeli war of independence in 1948, and of course the thousands of women who serve now) – as I say, aside from them, for the most part, down through the history of war - men may have started them – but other men had to fight them - protecting their families, tribes and nations as warriors through the battles. If I were a man of age during a draft, that would suck.
  • I liked it when I was studying in London when I was 19 and I went to see Jimmy Stewart in the play "Harvey" alone, and when I came out of the theater after dark a tall skinny fellow student named Cal was waiting outside to walk me back to the dorm. He must have heard me say I was going, though I didn't remember that. No, he didn't put any moves on me. He just wanted me safe.
  • Men like sports, so I don't have to. They can watch it, talk about it, and I can do something I'd rather do, like blog, and not feel guilty.
  • I like that they have upper body strength. I can't carry 50-lb. water softener bags two at a time to the basement.
  • Strong, thick eyebrows, especially black mixed with gray. That's a weird word - say it a few times. eyebrows. حاجب. 眉毛. obrva. obočí . øjenbryn . sobrancelha. kaş . Think Walter Cronkite.
  • They like mowing the lawn, especially if they're on a green motorized riding toy that happens to have synchronized blades.
  • They make me think harder when we have conversations. Don does it every day. And like when my father-in-law and I argue about the Bible, or my son asks me why I didn't like "No Country for Old Men," they don't let me just make a statement without supporting evidence. The men I've met in Blogland have stretched my mind beyond what I thought possible. I didn't know how much I didn't know. Men have helped me sharpen my mind.
  • They don't cry a lot. They hardly cry at all. We wouldn't want too many people in the house crying. But they know when it's a good time to cry, because they look over at you to see if you're crying at certain touching moments in movies.
  • Rumi. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Carl Jung. Jesus. Leonard Cohen. Wendell Berry. Vincent van Gogh. James Taylor. Ed Ingraham. John Lindus. Martin Luther King, Jr. Bill Murray. Russell Brand. Jimmie Elsie. David Gray. Edgar Degas. Benjamin Franklin. Bennett Hart. M.A. Rauf. GI Gurdjieff. Luciano Pavarotti. Barack Obama. Walt Whitman. Rainer Maria Rilke. Mahatma Gandhi. Henry David Thoreau. Loring Wirbel. Charles Dickens. Leonardo da Vinci. Albert Einstein. Nelson Mandela. Peter Olson. Noam Chomsky. Barry. Montag. Honore de Balzac. I like lists. But this list is very bad because it doesn't include all the men I want to include but don't want to bore you, or all the ones I'll think of later. So. Please close your eyes and think of men and what you appreciate. Nice, isn't it? If you're a man, also think about yourself and feel how good you are.
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